‘The Bachelor’ finale recap: Nobody wins (except maybe Andi)

“Another season of The Bachelor has come to an end. I’m not going to lie, I’m okay moving on,” said Chris Harrison.

In the final episode of the most confusing and tumultuous season of The Bachelor ever, nobody got engaged and everyone hates Juan Pablo – except for the Latin lover himself, who seemed quite pleased with how everything turned out.

Red flags: Juan Pablo's mother bonded with Clare over the fact that her son can sometimes be “very rude.”

"He made me cry," said Clare. “Me too,” his mom responded knowingly. For some reason, Clare didn't run for the hills.

Next up, Juan Pablo’s dad told Nikki that his son is “not easy,” leaving the audience to wonder what on earth Juan Pablo did to his poor parents.

Then Juan’s cousin (aka. the worst wingman ever) asked Nikki how much fighting she is willing to put up with. She equates fighting with passion and nothing seems amiss to anyone in this bizarre family meet-and-greet.

Finally, there were two horrendous dates to be had before the final rose. Juan Pablo talks circles around Clare defending what she perceived to be “offensive” comments, but our silver-tongued Venezuelan is eventually forgiven.

More: Sharleen keeps it classy on 'The Women Tell All'

(Canadian Sharleen said she found Juan’s treatment of Clare in this scene "pretty painful" to watch. "He was quite patronizing to her, frankly,” she said, prompting much-deserved applause in the studio audience.)

When it’s Nikki’s turn for the final date, she tells Juan Pablo she loves him, to which he responds, “I like you a lot” with a kiss on the forehead. She sobs alone on the couch for the rest of the night.

Poor Clare: In the end, it was Clare who got dumped by a dry-eyed Juan Pablo.

“I’ve been very honest with everybody, and at some point somebody’s going to go home. And I have to say goodbye to you,” he said stiffly during the final rose ceremony.

But like Sharleen and Andi before her, Clare lets him have it in a glorious exit speech.

“I thought I knew what kind of man you were. I lost respect for you,” she said. “I would never want my children to have a father like you.”

"Okay," says Juan Pablo predictably as she walks away crying, before adding: "Whew, I'm glad I didn't pick her!"

More: 10 steamy celebrity bachelors to keep you warm

Poor Nikki: After Nikki tells Juan Pablo that she loves him — again — he repeats, “I like you a lot” and offers a pared-down version of a relationship as a consolation prize, depending on how things go – no ring, no fairytale proposal.

“I’m not 100 per cent sure that I want to propose to you, but at the same time I’m 100 per cent sure that I just don’t want to let you go,” he explained.

Tight-lipped, Nikki accepts his offer and they embrace. End scene.

After the Rose: Enter the best part of the season finale, the After The Final Rose show.

Clare reiterated her feelings about Juan Pablo and then refused to speak with him, explaining, “I don’t want to sit here on this couch and get fed any more BS,” which was met with raucous cheers from the women in the studio audience.

Juan Pablo and Nikki entered together as a very awkward couple, prompting Chris Harrison to declare that he isn’t sure what exactly he’s looking at.

“So you love her?” Chris asked.

“I’m not going to answer that question to you,” Juan Pablo said.

“I don’t get it,” said Chris.

“People don’t understand that this is real life. When you’re with somebody you don’t say you love her or not,” said Juan Pablo cryptically, as Nikki sat next to him silently, looking like she was on the verge of tears.

“Twelve years I’ve been doing this. This is a Bachelor first, easily,” laughed Chris uneasily.

The Bachelorette premieres on May 19 with district attorney and scorned bachelorette Andi (who famously told Juan Pablo that the Fantasy Suite date was “a nightmare”) as the star.

HELLO! Canada magazine is available for your tablet and smartphone. Get HELLO! Canada, PEOPLE, Vanity Fair and over 100 more of the world’s best magazines for one low monthly price at Texture by Next Issue. CLICK HERE to sign up for a free trial.