Chrissy Teigen has opened up about her pregnancy loss in an emotional new essay in which she thanked friends and fans for their support. She also explained why she and John Legend shared photos of the heartbreaking aftermath, and encouraged people to write about their own experiences to make it easier to find help when going through something similar.
In the piece, which was written for Medium, the mom of two began by expressing gratitude to those who sent flowers and support to the house after she and John revealed they'd lost the baby – who they named Jack – on Oct. 1. She said the pregnancy was lost after she experienced a partial placental abruption, which caused the bleeding that sent her to hospital in late September.
"I feel bad that our grief was so public because I made the joy so public... I feel bad that I made you all feel bad. I always will," she wrote later in the piece.
"But the moments of kindness have been nothing short of beautiful," she continued. "I went to a store where the checkout lady quietly added flowers to my cart. Sometimes people will approach me with a note. The worst part is knowing there are so many women that won't get these quiet moments of joy from strangers."
Chrissy also wrote that a few nights in hospital, she was told Jack wouldn't survive, and if she didn't let go of him, she might also die.
"I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness," she continued. "Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again."
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We are shocked and in the kind of deep pain you only hear about, the kind of pain we’ve never felt before. We were never able to stop the bleeding and give our baby the fluids he needed, despite bags and bags of blood transfusions. It just wasn’t enough. . . We never decide on our babies’ names until the last possible moment after they’re born, just before we leave the hospital. But we, for some reason, had started to call this little guy in my belly Jack. So he will always be Jack to us. Jack worked so hard to be a part of our little family, and he will be, forever. . . To our Jack - I’m so sorry that the first few moments of your life were met with so many complications, that we couldn’t give you the home you needed to survive. We will always love you. . . Thank you to everyone who has been sending us positive energy, thoughts and prayers. We feel all of your love and truly appreciate you. . . We are so grateful for the life we have, for our wonderful babies Luna and Miles, for all the amazing things we’ve been able to experience. But everyday can’t be full of sunshine. On this darkest of days, we will grieve, we will cry our eyes out. But we will hug and love each other harder and get through it.
At that point, she wrote that she explained to John that he needed to take pictures, which were later shared on Instagram. She said her husband didn't understand the point of this at first, but now she's glad she has the photos and couldn't care less about the criticism she and John received after they were shared online.
"I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story," she wrote.
The supermodel went on to say she's been concentrating on what she has since losing Jack.
"People say an experience like his creates a hole in your heart," she continued. "A hole was certainly made, but it was filled with the love of something I loved so much. It doesn't feel empty, this space. It feels full."
The star ended her piece by saying it was essential to write so she could "move on from this and return back to life."
"Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see," she touching shared. "Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky."