Hello! Canada's favourite love guru Dustin Milligan is back just in time for Valentine's Day to help Romeos and Juliets find their happily ever after. The Schitt's Creek star loves a good 7-step plan for romance, and in the latest instalment of his "Perfect Date" series, the charming actor draws up a pretty spectacular (and LOL-worthy) plan for a second date.
So, my visibly sweaty armpits and bloated bean-belly from The Perfect First Date didn’t send my date running. Yes, this is partially because she wasn’t in the right shoes for it, but also because she found me somewhat appealing — congratulations, me! But before I start picking out monogrammed toilet paper cozies, I gotta make sure I’m prepped and ready for the next level with these 7 steps for a perfect SECOND date:
1 - Let’s not kid ourselves here, it’s the second date. Big leagues. The stakes have never been higher, but I totally nailed that first date, so neither has my confidence. Plus, I learned my lesson last time, so before heading out, I secure my trusty Armpit Diapers™©®* into a comfortable, absorptive position, and give myself positive affirmations in the mirror: “I am interesting, I am funny, and I am confident, thanks to the patent-pending Wik-Flex™© Technology®** that is so discreet, it’ll feel like I’m not uncontrollably nervous-sweating at all!”
2 - When I pick her up, I would make sure to get out of the car and greet her properly: with a warm, low-arm hug. This shows that even though we smooched at the end of our last date, I’m not some kind of smooch-expecting jerk who’s only in this for smooches. Also, the low-arm variation hides any potential pre-date-sweats that the Armpit Diapers™©® failed to absorb, which is rare, but has happened with some users***.
3 - I’d want dinner to be fun and exotic—like sushi! In an effort to make my date subconsciously think of me as some kind of primal, insatiable beast (an obvious cause for arousal), I order more food than is normal for a single human. The waiter immediately gives me ‘tude and says he doesn’t think I can eat it all, BUT, if I do, he’ll give us free Mochi ice cream. I accept his challenge and clear every plate, obvi. He sheepishly brings out the ice-creams and I eat both of them, winning her heart a thousand times over.
4 - After dinner, I casually suggest we swing by a drugstore for some antacids, as I've just consumed a painfully unhealthy amount of raw fish and sticky rice.
5 - We get to a trendy dance club that neither of us have been to before, but we’ve heard it’s good and want to show each other that we’re fun and like to do fun things like this. After five minutes of ironic "I can't dance"-dancing, and 25 minutes of "No, I actually can't dance"-dancing, I ask if she wants to cool off on the patio. “You’re not even sweating!” she says. I wink**** to the camera and we head outside.
6 - We’d spend the rest of the night out here, tucked away in our own little corner, drinking, laughing, and talking. It’s like that moment in the movies when the two people really fall for each other, and I can’t help but get caught up in it. She laughs, time slows, and I imagine an entire future with her: more dates, more smooching, the first time she says she loves me and I say “I know”, moving in together, buying our first home, her driving to the hospital with me when a relative is sick, me secretly smelling her shirts whenever she's away, or her letting me watch a rerun of The King Of Queens even though there’s a new Vanderpump Rules on, us growing old together, still in love…I’d know it was crazy to think about any of that on date number 2, but I’d do it anyway, because I’m already crazy for her.
7 - I’d snap out of it, realizing she’s stopped laughing and has been trying to tell me about the chunk of seaweed stuck in my front tooth for the last minute and a half. I abandon all hope for the romantic future I imagined, and just pray for a third date instead.
* Paper towels and rubber bands
**Literally just those two things, wrapped around your armpit
***It’s because the paper towel isn’t wedged under the rubber band right
****Brought to you by: The confidence of Armpit Diapers™©®